Come here, child, and let me tell you the story about how the Boston Red Sox lost 8-0 to the Texas Rangers on May 30, 2015.

But Grandpa, won’t an 8-0 loss be kind of a boring story?

Nonsense, you idiot! It’s a perfectly grand tale, full of intrigue and deception and romance and—

Okay, whatever, just get on with it. Better than playing another game of Monopoly anyway…

Right, well. Where was I? Ah, yes. It was the top of the 1st, and hopes were high. The Red Sox had what appeared to be a fearsome lineup: Dustin Pedroia, Mookie Betts, and David Ortiz were set to bat in the inning, with Hanley Ramirez in the cleanup spot.

Hey, I’ve heard of at least three of those guys!

Don’t interrupt. The Rangers, meanwhile, had a pitcher who was making his first career start in the big leagues: Chi Chi Gonzalez!

Boy howdy, is that the same Chi Chi Gonzalez who went on to become one of the greatest pitchers of all time, vindicating the Red Sox for getting shut out in this game?

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t. What I do know is that ol’ Mookie walked, but everyone else was retired, and that was the start of the Sox’ long and arduous journey of futility.

How could they play if they were retired?

…You’re not very bright, are you? Anyway, Wade Miley was on the hill—

Isn’t it called a mound?

…[inwardly seething]…Yup, you got it! Very good, now please try not to interrupt Grandpa. Wait, how do you know who Wade Miley is? Don’t answer that. ANYWAY. Delino DeShields scored from first, after leading off with a single, on a double by Elvis Andrus, and the Red Sox were immediately down 1-0. Check it out, I have the video of it on my Apple Shooting Sleeve:

Shouldn’t the third baseman have fielded that cleanly?

You would certainly think so.

And is that Hanley Ramirez playing left field? He looks like he has no idea what he’s doing!

That sounds about right. Things settled down for Wade after that: he made a good play to get Andrus in a pickle between third base and home plate and got out of the inning.

What in the world do PICKLES have to do with anything?

Have you ever even watched a baseball game? In the top of the 2nd, both Mike Napoli and Sandy León walked, and León’s came on just four pitches. So naturally, when Rusney Castillo came up to the plate, you’d expect him to take a strike, right?

Sure.

Nope, he swung at the first pitch he saw, even though it was too low, and struck out on the next two pitches. I’m not so sure he was ready for the majors.

But didn’t he—

Don’t interrupt. Miley gave up a single in the 2nd, but earned half of a strike-him-out, throw-him-out double play to erase the runner. Those are always fun. Gonzalez still hadn’t given up a hit after four innings, though he had allowed four walks. At that point, the wheels came off for Wade Miley. He loaded the bases. Then there was a double. Then Brock Holt (playing shortstop) failed to throw a runner out at home. Then DeShields bunted to score another run. It was all very humiliating, and the Rangers scored four runs.

I know that Brock Holt guy screwed up, but his name makes me want to like him anyway.

Me too, don’t worry, that’s normal. Miley loaded the bases again to start the 5th and was lifted so that Robbie Ross, Jr. could enter the game. He used to play for the Rangers!

Oh nice, a revenge game!

Yeah, but not exactly. He did an admirable job in the 5th, only allowing one run to score (with some help from Josh Hamilton’s poor baserunning), but he also gave up two more runs in the 8th inning to really put the icing on the cake. But the pitching wasn’t even the worst part of this game! The offense was so bad…c’mon, say it…the offense was sooooo bad…

…[rolls eyes]…fine. How bad was it?

The offense was soooo bad that it could hit two doubles in the same inning and still not score! That actually happened, it wasn’t really a joke. Big Papi got caught in a rundown. Again, very humiliating.

So…did anything else happen?

Oh, I mean sure, there were three more innings to go!

But no one else scored or made any great plays or anything.

Well, no, I guess not.

Okay, good, I’m gonna go do anything else. Grandpa?

Yes?

That story sucked.

I know.

 

Notes:

I’ll just leave this here.