So the Sox won today. Everyone’s making a big deal about Brock Holt hitting for the cycle. They should, too, it was cool. First one for the Red Sox since John Valentin!

I just can’t muster up any enthusiasm about it. It’s not you, Brock, it’s me. I’m still too bummed out for one win to turn my spirits around. But hey, this isn’t about me, it’s about our hundreds, nay, thousands of readers! So I’ll soldier on just for you.

There’s really nothing for me to complain about here. Every player on the team collected a hit, and six of Boston’s nine batters had a multi-hit game. There were nine total extra-base hits, including three triples. Mookie Betts was a home run away from the cycle himself. It was an offensive explosion. It just feels too good to be true.

I’m gonna be pessimistic real quick here for you: the 1st inning started out with a flurry of success – back-to-back doubles (Holt and Betts), a walk (Ortiz), a single (Bogaerts), only to be followed by perhaps the worst possible result: Sandoval grounded into a double play, scoring a run, and Napoli inevitably struck out.

By the time the Braves tied it up during Wade Miley’s only shaking inning of his outing, I was ready to call off the season again. I’m so sorry that I’m the way I am.

But in the sixth, the Sox shut me up by capitalizing on Mookie Betts’ leadoff triple with a pair of singles and a pair of doubles, driving in three runs and making the score 5-2, Boston.

My boy Junichi Tazawa came in when Miley got into one last spot of trouble in the 6th and ended the inning without incident. At that point, Holt hit his solo home run to come within one hit (a triple, obviously) of a cycle and extend the lead by a run.

In the eighth inning, against some guy called Sugar Ray Marimon (is the name Sugar Ray always cool? Probably), the rest of the Sox order got to work in order to get Brock Holt one last at-bat, succeeding and plating two more runs along the way. Holt capitalized on the opportunity, sending a ball deep to the triangle to carve out a little slice of the Red Sox history book for himself.

Koji came in and gave up a couple runs, which is pretty standard for him in non-save situations. I don’t know. It was a very impressive performance, but I’m not impressed. Maybe if they keep showing this amount of life. Maybe if this is the statistical regression back to the mean, or maybe if they just start playing like it means something. VERY DRAMATIC ANALYSIS.

But for now, I guess, Happy Brock Holt!

P.S. Don’t think I forgot that you also got caught stealing in this one, Brock.

Oh come on, I didn’t mean it.

Phew, much better.