Here’s the deal. I’m on a boat for a bachelor party. The Sox got slaughtered last night. I’m writing this on my phone, so it’s just not gonna be super high quality. You don’t really want a long post on a 7 run loss, do you? Good.

I’ll say a few things to appease the masses though, don’t worry. Here are some thoughts from a man who watched the condensed game on MLB.com:

Rick Porcello cruised through the first three innings and was actually staked to a lead, thanks to a second inning Mike Napoli solo home run. But after a leadoff tying home run by Albert Pujols to tie it up in the 4th inning, things got a little hairy. It took two singles, a walk, and another run before the inning was over.

By the time the 5th rolled around, and Rick was once more staked to a one-run lead, he’d completely lost the plot. Two walks to start things off. A single that scored both runners with a little help from Bogaerts. A ground out.  A single and a double that each scored a run, and that was the end of his night. I know some people think he’s pretty good, but I just don’t see it. I’ll be surprised if he ever lives up to that contract.

Matt Barnes then came in and gave up two home runs to really put the icing on the cake. Rusney Castillo didn’t help much by dropping an easy fly out right out of his glove. It was one of those glorious moments when you see a professional athlete screw up something that you could legitimately do 10 out of 10 times. But other than making me feel good about my chances to make the MLB, it was an ugly night for the call-up, as he also dropped a sliding catch that he absolutely could have made on the right field foul line.

The Sox finally made a serious threat in the 7th, but neither Ortiz nor Nava did anything with the bases loaded and no outs and 1 out, respectively, and that was pretty much all she wrote.

Xander had a pretty tough day in the field. Hanley left a little while after getting hit by a pitch. Mike Trout had the greatest slide probably in baseball history. Brock Holt hit a bases loaded double, but the third guy to come around, Napoli, was thrown out. That’s all I got, people. I’ll update this with some videos and pictures someday.

 

 

This is one of those times where I’m starting my viewing of the game on the DVR at 10:30 p.m. If you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down. Just going stream-of-consciousness here, folks.

– Shin-Soo Choo! He can’t have been leading off all year, especially when he was hitting like .103. Joe Kelly wipes the floor with him in three pitches.

– Good start for Phil Klein, who sails it about two feet to the catcher’s left. Juuuuust a bit outside. It’s actually his first major league start.

– All I ever want when I see the Rangers is for Elvis Andrus to try touching Adrian Beltre’s head. They’re adorable.

– Beltre gets the first hit of the night for either team on a single through the right side to lead off the second inning.

– Mitch Moreland hits another single that Mookie Betts stops with a headfirst dive in center field to keep him from getting to second and Beltre from scoring. But Elvis Andrus knocks him in with a sacrifice fly to right field on the next pitch to put the Rangers up, 1-0.

– Snap throw by Blake Swihart to pick off Leonys Martín at first!!! Ends the inning. That was cool.

– First pitch to Hanley Ramirez, and that’s the second time that Klein’s really yanked his fastball to the left.

– Mike Napoli with a casual 0-2 single through the right side…wait, what?

– Don, as usual, is very smug about his warm, comfortable, window-protected booth. Refers to the other broadcasters as being “out in the elements.” The side is retired and we move to the third, still 1-0, Texas.

– Kelly gives up a no-doubter solo home run to something called “Robinson Chirinos” to lead off the 3rd inning. He sounds like a delicious dessert. 2-0, Rangers.

– “Pumpsie” comes right back to strike out Tommy Field, but then decides to try to stop a Shin-Soo Choo comebacker with his bare hand and instead sees it glance off his wrist. He’s fine, apparently.

– The Bruins’ new GM is putting me to sleep. People really know how to make sports boring nowadays, huh? YEAH LEFTY YOU WOULD KNOW. Shut up, imaginary critic.

– Swihart with a very clean single on a changeup by Klein to the left of the second baseman Field.

– Pedroia pops up to end the inning. Andrus kinda effs with Beltre by smirking and pretending to catch it, but unfortunately, he’s behind him and Beltre doesn’t notice. Still great.

– Beltre’s 2 for 2 now after a bloop between Pedroia and Betts.

– Pedroia to Bogaerts to Napoli for a double play. It wasn’t exactly beautiful, but they had plenty of time before Moreland got down the line.

– Andrus gets a clean base hit up the middle. He’s stranded at first and we go to the bottom of the 4th. Still 2-0.

– Napoli’s 2 for 2! A single up the middle! He and Beltre are having pretty much the exact same night.

– A Daniel Nava sighting! He hits a ground rule double over Choo’s head in right that would’ve easily scored Napoli had it stayed in the park. Both Nava and Napoli get stranded after Brock Holt pops to Beltre to end the inning.

– For the second time on the night, Joe Kelly gets hit with a batted ball, this time to the ribs (?). He still throws out the runner to end the 1-2-3 inning.

– Wow. Xander Bogaerts with an absolute BOMB over the Monster on a hanging slider, the first pitch of the 5th by Klein. 2-1, Rangers.

– Klein comes back to strike out the 9th batter in the order, Blake Swihart. Kelly did the exact same thing earlier tonight, after Chirinos hit a home run out of the 8-spot.

– That’s the third time that Betts has given the ball a ride to center. It’s been caught by Martín each time. The inning ends without further incident.

– Another ball hit right back at Kelly, this time a line shot up around his head for a single by Prince Fielder. Kelly keeps him at first with two strikeouts and we move to the bottom of the sixth.

– Choo makes a pretty good catch, diving forward to snag a Ramirez liner.

– Beltre bobbles Napoli’s grounder as he tries to get it out of his glove to throw out Ortiz at second, and as Don says, everyone’s safe. The Rangers go to the pen to bring in Alex Claudio. The Sox counter by pinch-hitting Shane Victorino for Nava. 1 out, men on 1st and 2nd.

– Victorino works a looooong at-bat, getting a full count and eventually an inside fastball that he drives into the hole between third and short. Bases loaded.

– Holt strikes out. Tough lefty-lefty matchup. Two outs. Bases loaded. Tanner Scheppers coming in to face Bogaerts.

– And Bogaerts lines out right to Martín. To the 7th.

– Hanley makes a great play to get Andrus, but then doesn’t get the ball in very quickly when the next batter, Martín, hits a double off the wall (possibly because he thought he’d hit Mookie, who was ducking down in front of him?) and Martín advances to third.

– Kelly gets Chirinos on some upstairs heat on a full count. 2 outs.

– And he gets Field to strike out again, swinging on a 98 mph heater to end the inning. The offense has just got to show up now. Come on.

– Mookie finally gets a hit after dialing down his power and poking it into right field. One out. Pedroia up.

– A wild pitch moves Betts to second with one out! Full count to Pedroia! Easy short fly ball to Choo. Pedey hasn’t looked great tonight.

– Ortiz is intentionally walked. Hanley Ramirez comes up with runners on 1st and 2nd and two outs, down by one.

– Beautiful line drive up the middle, but a slight shift is on, and it sails right into Tommy Field’s glove just to the right of second base. End of the inning. Still down one. Going to the 8th.

– Tommy Layne is in for Kelly. Layne gets a quick fly out to left field, but then gives up a double and a walk and gives way to Junichi Tazawa.

– Rangers’ double steal works. Men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. Huge strikeout by Tazawa against Beltre to get the 2nd out of the inning. And on Moreland to end the inning. He’s the man.

– Victorino hits a wall-ball single with one out, but that’s all. Ross Ohlendorf made Xander Bogaerts, for all his earlier heroics, look completely and particularly hopeless, striking him out on three pitches.

– Matt Barnes makes quick work of the Rangers, and we’re going to the bottom of the 9th. Come on. One time.

– Shawn Tolleson in to close it out for Texas. Never had a save before. I think they said Neftali Feliz wasn’t available. INTREPID REPORTING. Oh, no, he lost the job? Or something…HARD-HITTING ANALYSIS.

– Swihart gone, four to three. One out.

– Betts is up. Shot into the gap! Choo cuts it off but Mookie’s too fast, sliding into second easily.

– Pedroia coming up with one out and Betts on second AGAIN. Come on. One time.

– Pedey hits a rocket to left and…it somehow doesn’t reach the wall and dies into DeShields’ glove. Mookie nearly gets doubled off.

– Two outs. Ortiz getting intentionally walked again. This inning is some serious déjà vu. Hanley’s coming up with the game on the line.

– Hanley grounds out to Field. Well, a fielder’s choice, technically. Again, it might’ve been a single against a different alignment. Maybe.

– So offense didn’t show up again. Why am I not surprised?

– It would seem that I wrote too many words again. Deal with it.