Your intrepid reporter has rolled out of bed to write this, and I hope our surely-huge-by-now fanbase appreciates that. Last night, the Red Sox won a baseball game. Their second in a row, in fact. The last time Boston won at least two consecutive games was a four-game streak from July 5-8. It’s been a pretty tough stretch, but now we’ve come out the other side and the team will make a big turnaround and win the pennant and all of our estranged fathers will agree to live with us. It’s good to know that things are gonna be all right again.

Why am I so sure? Oh, I don’t know, because of a little trade you might’ve heard about that brought in former All-Star Ryan Cook, NO BIG DEAL. In all seriousness, though, I don’t think I’m going that far out on a limb in thinking that Cook’s 2015 results so far (10.38 ERA, 2.31 WHIP, 6.2 K/9) are probably not indicative of his current level of play. He only faced 23 batters at the major league level before being sent down to AAA, where he’s been better, though perhaps not remarkably better (4.05 ERA, 1.38 WHIP, 7.0 K/9). His issues are probably indicative of some 2014 injuries (shoulder inflammation, forearm strain). Yes, he’s dropped off from where he was from 2012-14, but he’s not complete garbage. I hope. Either way, we got him for a ham sandwich/washing machine, so it’s worth a shot.

Last night, the Red Sox did what they love to do recently, and that’s ALLOW THE OTHER TEAM TO SCORE FIRST. It’s a bold strategy, but it worked out for them last night. The Rays got their first run after Eduardo Rodriguez (who had neither his best stuff nor his worst) loaded the bases with 1 out. Joey Butler grounded into what might’ve been an inning-ending double play, but Brock Holt and Xander Bogaerts couldn’t turn it in time, and Brandon Guyer scored from third to make it 1-0.

However, in keeping with another, more positive Red Sox trend, the offense responded to a deficit! Both Bogaerts and David Ortiz got aboard thanks to infield errors and Mike Napoli walked to load the bases with one out. Both Alejandro De Aza and Blake Swihart managed to register base hits, bringing in 3 runs between them, to make it 3-1.

Rodriguez gave a run back in the top of the 2nd, but it was kind of a tough break. With two outs and a runner on second (center fielder Mikie Mahtook, who’d doubled) Rodriguez struck Brandon Guyer out, but the pitch was in the dirt and got away from Swihart. Guyer was easily safe at first and Mahtook advanced to third. Mahtook scored on a Steven Souza, Jr. chopper to the left side that newcomer Josh Rutledge did his best to field, but there was nothing to be done. 3-2, Boston. Mahtook would also single in Asdrubal Cabrera in the top of the 3rd to tie the game at 3.

The score would remain tied until the bottom of the 5th, when De Aza came through with his second RBI single of the night, driving in Brock Holt to make it 4-3.

Eduardo Rodriguez, having thrown 110 pitches through 5 innings, was removed in favor of Alexi Ogando for the 6th inning. Alexi did a fine job, allowing only an infield single, but Robbie Ross, Jr. ran into trouble in the top of the 7th. He walked Joey Butler to start the inning and hit Mahtook with two outs. Farrell brought in Junichi Tazawa to put out the fire. I’d like to see a split of Tazawa’s stats between when he gets his own fresh inning to work with and when he has to clean up someone else’s mess. I’m not sure he really excels in the firefighter role, and last night’s performance backed up my hunch, as he allowed both Butler and Mahtook to score on a John Jaso double. He struck out Kevin Kiermaier to strand Jaso at third, but the damage was done and the Red Sox were losing 5-4.

Side note: Ross got a hold for his outing last night, which really has me questioning the statistical validity of the hold. I know, stats are stupid.

Fortunately for Tazawa, Big Papi drew an impressive 11-pitch, 2-out walk and Mike Napoli, only hours removed from sweating out the trade deadline, took a high fastball into the Monster seats to give Boston the lead, 6-5.

Tazawa also got himself into trouble in the top of the 8th, giving up two singles to start the inning, but eventually got Butler to ground into a double play to end the inning. Napoli made an incredible scoop on a one-hop Brock Holt throw to first to complete the play.

Blake Swihart gave Koji Uehara a little insurance in the bottom of the 8th, doubling with one out, advancing to third on a Jackie Bradley, Jr. groundout, and scoring on a wild pitch by Brandon Gomes.

Uehara walked Cabrera to start the 9th, but got the next two outs to bring up Rene Rivera, the Rays’ light-hitting everyday catcher. Uehara got two strikes to start the at-bat, then threw three consecutive balls. Rivera then fouled off six consecutive pitches before striking out swinging to end the game. 7-5, Red Sox.

 

Before I get to last night’s game, I’m gonna run you through the moves the Red Sox are making as they come up to the trade deadline:

1. Clay Buchholz was transferred to the 60-day disabled list, meaning a. both Righty and I are optimistic fools (I thought he’d start 12 more times this year, Righty thought 10) and b. the Sox are officially OFFICIALLY giving up on the season. As well they should, I guess.

2. Boston claimed righty reliever Jean Machi off waivers from the Giants (he’s a proven winner!). He’s 33 years old, having bounced around various minor league systems from 2002-2011. He made it count when he finally got a real promotion in 2013, pitching 53 innings with a 2.38 ERA, a 1.09 WHIP, and 8.7 K/9. He was similarly good in 2014, but it fell apart for Machi this year, with a 5.41 ERA, a 1.49 WHIP, and 5.7 K/9 through 35 innings, plus a walk rate that’s climbed all the way up to 3.6 per 9 innings. Some might say he’s completely lost it, and it’s expected because hey, he’s old. But on the other hand, it’s the outlier in his career so far. Who knows? For now, he’s just another Red Sox pitcher with an ERA above 5.00. He belongs here.

3. Infielder Josh Rutledge was added to the major league roster. Like Machi, he’d have to have a throwback year to justify a continued presence in the lineup: in 2012, he hit .274/.306/.469, but hasn’t touched those numbers since.

4. Jemile Weeks was sent down to make room for Rutledge. Weeks has nothing to apologize for, having played solid defense and gone 3 for 9 in 3 games with Boston.

5. Mookie Betts was placed on the 7-day disabled list in the aftermath of this play, which I’m sure everyone’s seen by now:

6. Jackie Bradley, Jr. was called up to take Mookie’s spot, and was in the lineup last night. It’s a good idea both in terms of bringing up the Sox’ next best option for center field and showcasing Bradley in advance of the trade deadline.

And that’s it. Now let’s get to the bad part.

Rick Porcello started this game, and honestly, maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe my level of dislike for him and my apprehension for each of his starts is putting some sort of bad juju on him and that’s the reason he’s so terrible. But whatever the cause, 2015 Rick Porcello is a BUM. He’s an absolute BUM, and if things keep going this way, it will go down as one of the worst contracts in Red Sox history because Cherington gave $80 million to a BUM OFF THE STREET. And Cherington’s a bum too for looking at the same goddamn stats I’m looking at for Porcello’s 2009-2014 and concluding that this would work out. I’m not gonna hold anything against 2016 Rick Porcello when the time comes. But this version? You stink Rick. You stink bad.

In any case, he gave up an Adam Eaton leadoff home run around the Pesky Pole. He left a slider up and in. The guy’s such a headcase that the game was probably over right then and there.

I do want to be clear that I don’t actually hate Rick Porcello, the person. The guy clearly wants to win. He dove headlong into first base to get the first out of the game last night. But he just doesn’t have it on the mound. Another run scored when a wall-ball single led to a substandard throw in by Hanley Ramirez and an even worse job of securing the ball by Brock Holt. Melky Cabrera came around on Holt’s error to make it 2-0.

The Sox went down in order.

In the second inning, Porcello gave up three two-out singles, a walk, and finally hit Adam LaRoche to drive in the 5th White Sox run of the game. This series of events included an infield single by Tyler Saladino on which Pablo Sandoval faked a throw to first before spinning around quickly to pick an overeager Adam Eaton off third base. But, of course, he was the only one with this thought, and neither Porcello nor Xander Bogaerts was covering third for him, so Eaton made it safely back. Two more runs would score in the inning.

The Sox went down in order again.

In the third inning, in defiance of logic and reason, Porcello was still in the game. He promptly gave up another leadoff home run to Alexei Ramirez, a true power threat (5 HRs on the year – Eaton has 9). He then gave up a double and a single before finally being removed in favor of Craig Breslow.

I’ll just leave this here:

PITCHERS	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Porcello	2.0	10	6	5	1	2	2	5.81

Mostly, I’m impressed that he managed to have a worse outing than Joe Kelly on Monday.

In any case, Breslow had probably his best outing of the year, stranding Porcello’s runners in the 3rd and going 1-2-3-4-5-6 in the 4th and 5th innings. Proud of you Craig.

In the bottom half of the third, Pablo Sandoval drew a rare Jose Quintana walk, and then Ryan Hanigan hit a gapper double to right-center. For some unknown reason, Brian Butterfield decided to send Panda home on what would undoubtedly be a close play, and he was thrown out. Honestly, what the hell is Butterfield doing out there right now? This is at least his third terrible decision since the All-Star Break. You’re looking at men on 2nd and 3rd with no outs in a 6-0 game! So unnecessary, so silly. Just terrible stuff.

Mike Napoli, basically the only Boston player who had a good game (including an excellent toss on that diving Porcello play in the 1st inning), drove Bogaerts in on a double off the Green Monster in the 4th. Nap also hit a solo home run in the 7th inning. Righty thinks that Napoli’s recent performance has a chance to drive up his trade value, and he’s probably right.

Every time one of the Sox vets does something good I feel like that kid in Super 8 who’s always screaming “production value!” #tradevalue!

— LeftyandRighty.com (@AndRighty) July 30, 2015

Tommy Layne came in and gave up an unsurprising two runs. In June and July, his WHIP is somewhere above 1.62. Alexi Ogando relieved Layne after two innings and gave up a run himself, but worse, showed once again that he has no idea how to flip to second base to start a double play.

Really, it’s pathetic. And it’s not an isolated incident! Remarkable stuff.

And that was pretty much it. Rusney Castillo should’ve walked in the bottom of the 9th, because Daniel Webb had already walked Ortiz and Napoli. But instead, he swung at pitch that was way inside, and the next two batters went down too. Game, blouses.

Notes:

• Farrell basically blamed Sandoval for not scoring when Butterfield sent him because he’s fat.